Why Ebony (Enoby/Eboby/Tara Gilesbie/Gilespie/Gillespie) Dark'ness Dementia Raven [Tara] Way is...

actually Bella Swan.

Sure, they don't look much alike:

Ebony

Bella

Bella

But, the reality of it is, if Bella Swan were to enter into the My Immortal universe, she would BE Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. And I have a list to prove it.

Oh, but first of all, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about: My Immortal on Encyclopedia Dramatica. And the "story" itself. Read. Allow your faith in humanity to die. Consider the possibility of Trollin'.  Laugh. Feel conflicted of whether or not its for real, and then decide it doesn't matter, because it's fucking hilarious. And then return here to read my own thesis.

Now, my thesis. Why Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is Bella Swan.

Exhibit A: Name.

Now, you might think that no name is quite as ridiculous as "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way" and that there is no way it can be compared to "Bella Swan." But take a moment to consider. Her name is Isabella Swan. How many "Isabella Swans" do you know in real life? Very few, right? How many "Caitlyn Hopper" or "Jessica Ramirez" or "Sarah Gibbs" do you know? Right. Because those are real names. Beautiful Swan? Really? Like, really? "Isabella Swan" is a fanfic name.  If you're in the Marauder era, it's the name of the OC that is going to hook up with Sirius. If you're in HP era, then it's the name of Harry's long lost sister, or the WAY pretty Gryffindor animagus has laser eyes transfer student from the exact same state as the author Iowa. "Isabella Swan" is as much a wish-fulfillment name as Eboby Enoby Ebony Dark'ness etc. etc. Way.

Exhibit B: Fantasy/Wish-Fulfillment Element

Seeing as Tara Gilesbie occasionally forgets that she is pretending to write a story about a character and without warning refers to the heroine as "Tara" (although, to be fair, she also refers to Voldemort as "Darth Valer"), I don't think there is really any doubt about the Wish-Fulfillment Element of "My Immortal."

As for "Twilight's" Bella Swan, anyone who has ever seen "Alex Reads Twilight" will know of this image circulating on the interwebz.

Exhibit C: The First Rule of Mary-Sue-hood is...

You don't talk about Mary-Sue-hood. All the boys must want you.... 

(no I did not just google "Asian guy from Twilight" =/ )

...And it must be really annoying to the heroine. Bella just HATES that all of those boys like her... it's just so bothersome.... ohnostopyouguysit'soshardbeingmeehhhhh...

And then there's Ebony, who wonders.... 

Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful??

Exhibit D: Reactions to Bad Things Happening

Ebony: 

"I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying."

Bella:

Exhibit E: Promotion of Self-Destructive Tendencies

Tara Ebony: wrist-slitting, drugs, liking Good Charlotte

Bella: cliff-jumping, other things that happen in the second one....

Exhibit F: Authorial Forces Pretending That They are Not Promoting Self-Destructive Tendencies 

Ebony:

"she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!"

Bella:

I think there's some vague censure, like "Oh, Bella, no that was so bad why would you do that not smart thing?" But c'mon. It was supposed to be romantic. It was so OBVIOUSLY supposed to be romantic. 

Exhibit G: Weird Reactions to the Opposite Sex

Tara:

"I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie."

That is just one example. At various times, Ebony wants to kill herself out of love, freaks out at invitations to hang out, and needlessly teases third party males because she thrives on the drama.

Bella: does all of that ^^. Also, she faints when she is kissed. She literally swoons. It's like feminism (or fucking Jane Austen, for the love of all that is not My Immortal) never happened! If she swoons over a kiss, how on Earth is she going to handle sex? Which brings us to...

Exhibit H: Weird Sex Scenes

Ebony loses her virginity in the Forbidden Forest to Draco after a "My Chemical Romance" concert. This occurs as follows:

"Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

Bella's noble and perfect true love Edward, on the other hand, convinces Bella's skanky ass to wait until marriage. And then... he tries to distract her from wanting sex. When they finally do get around to Making Love, it is one of the most weird, twisted things I have ever read. And yes, I have read it. I have read Breaking Dawn (there's a story, there, yes, but I shan't bore you with drinking game details). I have read most of "Twilight" as well, but my knowledge of the other two comes largely from wikipedia/the movies. Anyway, my point is, I feel like they should bring back the Hayes Code for the sole purpose of stopping Breaking Dawn from being made. Blah blah blah freedom of speech, but I'm sorry... even though the world was ready for a series that romanticizes rape ("lion and lamb" metaphor much?), encourages all kinds of awful ideas about love, romance, relationships, and sex, and is just generally an insult to script-writers everywhere... even though the world was ready for this, are we really ready for a movie that tries to make pedophilia cute? Sorry, I got a little sidetracked. Back to...

Exhibit I: Weird Love Triangles in which Bella/Ebony give incredibly mixed signals and act like total a-holes, but everyone still loves them for no apparent reason... because they are beautiful, intelligent, spectacular women because they're Mary-Sues.
Ebony:

Link to comic

Bella's Love Triangle:

She literally makes out with Taylor Lautner while her boyfriend stands three feet away. Then Taylor Lautner leaves, and she runs to Robert Pattinson's arms. Was anyone else like WTF?

Exhibit J: Attraction to Pale people

Self explanatory. 

Exhibit K: Hating Other People/Classes of People For No Reason

Tara: Britney, flamerz, Hilary Duff, and the prepz, obviously. Okay, fine, I'll give her Hilary Duff.

"A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them."
Ebony hates almost every other female in the story, with a few exceptions. For the most part, however, her relationships are solely with the men she wants to bang. Hermione Bloody Mary is an exception, and I think Ginny  Jenny is mentioned once or twice, and there's Willow/Raven, but, for the most part, Ebony only interacts with potential sexual partners (because, in Tara's "homophone" mind, while male bisexuality is hot, female lesbianism is gross). This is because the author does not actually know any boys and thinks it might be nice to some day interact with one. The other female character mentioned is Britney, a girl who's sole crime is being blond and a prep. 
The thing is, prepdom is a predestined state. Dumbledore  Albert tries to join this exclusive group of goffs and is shunned as a poser. Meanwhile...

Bella: thinks she's the shit. She's so judgmental of all the other people at her school, especially the girls, and she's just so fricking condescending. I want to smack her. "Boring" girls who aren't always depressed about every fucking thing are all portrayed as vapid, conniving bimbos, while Bella--who has read "Wuthering Heights" and is therefore "deep"--is just perfect. Can I just point out that "Wuthering Heights" also features a heroine who is conceited, selfish, and an awful person? I mean, people do realize that Cathy is the biggest bitch in literary history, right? I'm sorry, Cathy was the biggest bitch in literary history.

Exhibit L: Whiny Bitches

Ebony:

In response to Draco's tatoo: '“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.'

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

After remorselessly and inexplicably killing Peter Pettigrew: "Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly." 

Bella:

*hates snow

*compares boys who like her to dogs

*gets depressed (WHO DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?) when ONE, literally ONE boy does not worship the ground she walks upon

*decides to move in with her father to help out her mother; proceeds to be an a-hole to her father

*leads on Jacob

*self-indulgently feels bad about leading on Jacob

*complains about everything always (her dad's house, the internet, the sky, the weather, people being nice to her, people being mean to her, shut the fuck up, Bella Swan. Meanwhile, in a third world country...)

For evidence of Bella Swan as a Whiny Bitch, see any of the sources below.

Seriously. Just pick one up. Open to a random page. Whatever
Bella is saying or doing, she is being a whiny bitch. Guaranteed.

Other thematic similarities: cold rainy weather, bad guys inexplicably wanting the heroine (Voldemort's enlistment of Ebony to kill Vampire makes no sense... I still don't get why Cam Gigandet was after Bella in the first movie... something about a game? Did she owe him money? Weak.), VAMPIRES, necrophilia, pedophilia, nothing really happens for the majority of the story, shitty writing. 

This concludes my rant on why Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is Bella Swan. If you are curious, this was spurred because some internet search gave me an article that said, "Harry Who? Meet the New J.K. Rowling" or some bullshit like that, referring to Twilight's author, the esteemed Ms. Meyer. (Exhibit M: response to criticism from respective authors). And I just felt the need.

Have a lovely day!

Cheers,

Jules